"Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions."
Elizabeth Gilbert
I know I have not blogged in a while but the static in my mind was so loud I had trouble focusing my own thoughts… at times like that I wish I was more into zen or yoga something that teaches you to keep your thoughts under control.
One month ago today I got some news that broke my heart. I was not expecting it and especially from the person that it came from. When I heard it I was hurt, betrayed, in pain, angry, and so many other similar emotions. Words plastered here would fail to explain. Some things that hurt me the most was the timing and that I warned this person and they did not have enough faith in my judgment to trust me. I care about this person very much, to say the least and I know they have my best interest at heart so when they warned me about something I listened and steered clear. I guess this person had not built up that same trust in me. They said “I had to find out for myself” anyway when I got the news I had a knee jerk reaction and I let it rock my world… I had let my walls down, I was unguarded and unprepared.
We talked things though for a few days, I told this person I forgave them, but I need time to heal. I feel like it is getting better each day, but it is very hard to forget. My guard is back up and I don’t like wondering what is coming around the corner even though I am being told it is safe…I was told I was safe before this happened… I have had this kind of thing happen before and the only common thing in this event and the past ones is me. So now I am wondering what I am doing wrong and looking in the back of my closet for my self-esteem. Trying to shake the feeling of not being “enough” and needing to make sure every minute that I am “something more”. I know it will take time and It is kind of maddening at times… trying to think of ways to be more than I was before this happened. I know the relationship will survive this, I think I just need to make sure I am not so unprepared and speeding to far ahead with blinders on. No one is perfect, mistakes happen and I have to work on not letting them affect me so much.
It's so tough when you're speeding along and then all of a sudden something happens and it sets you back.
ReplyDeleteConfidence in yourself and positivity are sooo difficult to spur. You've just got to kick yourself into gear and get past those speedbumps. And just because one thing happened with one person, doesn't mean it will always happen with others.
Hope you're ok. (and sorry for not visiting more)
Word
ReplyDeleteThere is no way to drive a car if you do not grab the key turn it and go with hands on the wheel and feet properly placed.
ReplyDeleteIt is the same way with finding silence in the mind and stopping the noise coming at you from 360 different directions.
You are in control. Silence takes practice just as good driving takes practice.
You do not learn Zen you become Zen.
Be Well
Be Quiet
@ Mr. C - I know your busy with work and stuff...it is not a huge deal, thank you for taking the time to read and leave a comment. I will get the confidence back in time and be just as sassy as ever. thanks again.
ReplyDelete@ Savage - /nod
@ Walking Man thanks for the comment, I need to work on that and not flying off the handle to be still and process things before i panic. thank you for the wise words.
Guess that's one of the wonderful things I just so love a bout being a woman PLUS me. I live thru my heart and emotions and at times it can be somewhat unbearable to live in my head with all the crazy thoughts and feelings. My world got rocked about 7 years ago and i've not ever been the same since. I am more aware of peoples motives and when im not I still listen closely to what all is said. Body language helps me too, in figuring people out. I trust very little and the ones I do trust understand my ways of thinking. We can't ever always be prepared or even have a clue to what will or would happen. Especially to the ones that are the most closest to us. It's hard to let down all the walls and risk but it's doable. Risks be damned. I hope this what ever ur going thru will keep getting better for u and make u a stronger person. From each day that passes and each experience we go thru, it will make u more than u were..Chin up love;)
ReplyDelete"Water off a duck's back. "
ReplyDeleteLiquor is my Zen.
ReplyDeleteOuch! This is why I stick with electro-shock therapy. It hurts less...
ReplyDelete*Hugs to you*
We all make mistakes, just as you said. But do not let others' actions weaken your resolve about yourself. I am glad things are better now; and I am glad that you at least let someone else know - if even just as a soundboard. Keep your chin up, darlin'. We can't have you walking into any poles, 'cause that would just make things worse. Love is what you make it, not some storybook fairytale.
ReplyDeleteAnd should you ever need it again, you know I've got big enough ears. :)