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Isn’t the whole point of paying astronomical lawyer fees for a divorce, and turning your 800 credit rating upside down to a 008 being able to move on with your life (no there is not kids involved) to be rid of the person…apparently not for idiot girls like myself.

I dreamt marriage was like Cinderella, and I would have my prince charming, but prince charming was a facade for the spawn of satan. While I was dreaming of sex, dinners, flowers, sex, walks, sex, togetherness, and sex in reality all I got was emotional scars, physical scars, very skilled with spackle, creative lying, tears and really bad sex.

So how in the hell was my “failness” gauge so far off?
Was my asshole detector broke the whole time we were dating?

"I'm sure I don't Know" (thanks TNO)

Well today he calls because he found out I sold the house and moved. He is fast huh? Well he asked me where I lived… He is smart isn’t he? As if I would just tell him and invite him over or tea. Since I would not tell him he gets mad wanting to know what I did with all his tools? I replied what tools? This made him even more pissed. I said the only tool I know is YOU. So after the threats and other venom he spewed I hung up on him.

I am debating posting a pic up here of him so you fine folks can find him someone else to harass, I mean really I feel I have PAID my dues, many times over.

So to the next girl who ends up with that prize I wish them a lot of luck, boxing gloves, some spackle for his temper and the website for sex toys because she is going to need them.

As if that was not enough today, I also realized I did not call my mom on her birthday on the 22nd, and I got yet another parking ticket.

All in all I have to say Ryan still managed to keep a smile on my face all day long. Thanks for the texts, if I did not always have EBFAB (error between fingers and brain) I would have texted you back more often.

Nocturnal State

Have you ever seen that movie “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”? Well if you had you might understand why I was freaked out to wake up at exactly 3:00am. Some believe that 3:00 AM is the "witching hour," which evil spirits use to mock the Holy Trinity. Significantly, it is the opposite of 3:00 PM, traditionally taken to be the hour at which Jesus died. SO… in my mind if something bad is going to happen to me I feel it have a greater chance of occuring at 3:00am. In poor Emily’s case: Alone in her dorm room one night, at 3:00 AM, Emily catches on to a strange burning smell coming from the hallway. When she checks on it, she sees the door open and shut by itself several times. When she goes back to her room, she sees a jar of pencils and pens move by itself. Additionally, her covers roll themselves down and a great weight seems to press down on her, a force which also proceeds to choke her and seemingly to possess her. Anyway back to me… I wake up and it is 3:00am I don’t smell anything burning so I figure I am ok. (you know this is why I should not be allowed to watch scarey movies, that might be a whole other post in itself) I turn on the TV to distract myself and wander right into a very different kind of hell. Infomercial Hell. Due to chanel flipping for approx 30 mins I wanted to buy more Core Rythems, a Sleep Number Bed, a Oreck, Bare Minerals, The Cricket, a case of 5 Hour Energy, Rosetta Stone, Flirty Girl Fitness, and a Bowflex. CALL NOW! No thanks I will turn off the TV before I do smell burning, the burning of plastic of credit cards. My next thought was to text Ryan, I know your thinking that is rude, however R stands for Ryan, and Random. Ryan is very random and may or may not be up at this hour. I mean lets face it the guy has a “Silkie” as a pet. And for those of you who do not know (like me who had to google it) a Silkie bantam chicken is an ancient breed, originating from China and Japan. Yes, he has a pet chicken. The thought alone makes me want to sneeze. They look like lil puffballs.

So anyway I did not text because if he just feel asleep that would be cruel, besides texting is not my favorite thing to do ….so here I am blogging. Subjecting you all to my nocturnal mind wanderings. Sable is zZz and not being much company, I even tired to bribe her with a piece of cold pizza but she took it and went zZz again. Well I guess I will get in the shower and go to work early, that way I can leave early or maybe I will just try to fall back asleep. After all the thought of working in a huge office building all alone for a few hours is kind of creeping me out.

No Way Baby!

So I am quietly sitting at my desk today working and in this new job I have a cubical vs. an office which is a change for me I hear everything. So the 3 co-workers that surround me begin talking about kids, and having kids. I was trying to ignore the conversation and keep working but I overheard the most horrific thing I think I have ever heard of. I guess sometimes while giving birth a tear may occur. I am not going to go into detail of the graphic story that unfolded before me but I can tell you I sat with my legs crossed the rest of the day. Well is seems she recovered fine from that event, but then the child raising horror stories begun, this involved 2 more people and…this made me want to run out and see if in addition to my birth control shot and condoms if there was anything else I could take to make sure I would never have to endure the same fate as these people.

I mean seriously I can barely handle myself and sable, (sable can attest to this fact) and seeing as how they do not come with a manual I would be completely lost. I would be one of those people who had sable on one leash and the kid on the other (I have seen kid leashes at the zoo so I know they exist) If I had a kid I bet I would be on that show Super Nanny.

SN: What the heck are you doing?
IG: I don’t have a clue.
SN: I can tell. We are going to need more than one episode.
Sable: *shaking head*

Hence I am not having kids.

My mom keeps trying to tell me to have one, and in turn I call my sister and remind her that it is her job to provide mom and dad with a grandchild. She in turn tells me “no way” you do it. We argue then hang up and e-mail our mom and dad more lovely pictures of the grand-dogs.

I need a drink~

(Almost) Blow My Skull Off

2 ounces cognac

1/2 ounce peach schnapps

1/2 ounce Jägermeister

Pour all the ingredients into a mixing glass or cocktail shaker half full of ice cubes. Stir well to combine, then chill. Strain into a chilled martini glass.

FIRE

I was drying my hair this morning humming along to Silversun Pickups when I smelled fire. I assumed it was due to the many jokes I had made about wanting to set my hair on fire rather than doing (insert random thing here) and karma had come to collect. So I flipped back up (yes I dry my hair upside down) and I saw in the mirror a spark shoot out the side of the hair dryer. I dropped it to the floor and yanked the plug from the wall. I watch it for a moment ----from a distance--- and determined it was not going to explode and it was now safe to pick up, I tossed it into the bathtub and soaked it in water then put it in the trash bag. Great! My hair is still soaking wet and it was time to go to work, so I finished getting dressed, put sable on the leash, grabbed the trash bag and walked to the dumpster dripping hair and all. I was going to warp a towel around my head, but I am kind of nervous about snipers. So all I could here echoing in my head was my mom saying “your going to catch a cold going outside with your hair wet” (by the way was that ever dispelled on Myth Busters? If it was I am totally going to youtube it and send it to my mom). So I am running late and there is a meeting at work and I am sitting there in wet hair, I tried to pass it off as a new fashion trend, all the cool kids are doing it, but judging by the looks I got that was not working. After the meeting I go back to my desk and make a few calls, listening to stories of dried up well, cable guys barricaded in attics, hospital bills, and gambling… I figured if wet hair was the worse thing that happens to me today I will be ok.