Yesterday Sucked!

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up late probably due to the fact that I hit the snooze button on my cell in the area of 30 times. Sable seemed to take an extra long time wading through the snow sniffing each flake to decide which one to poop on....

What is up with that anyway, what was she smelling for? What smell is worthy of her to poop on? I mean does she poop on the spot she chooses because it smells funky or because it smells good and she wants to make it funky. I don’t understand her logic, but I am certain she does not understand mine either. I guess fair is fair

....anyway where was I, oh yeah. So I get dressed which takes me too long because I have two closets full of nothing to wear. I finally find something and then run into the bathroom, I don’t know what the hell I dreamed about but my hair was out of control. I brush it and run out the door only to slip and fall on my ass in the snow, not a good day to wear a skirt. I am sure I swore and got up my purse was full of snow and so was my sweater and skirt. I finally get to work and I will be the first to admit I was a complete bitch. We have this new time card system, mind you I have worked for this company for 7 years and never punched a time clock now all the sudden we have to punch in. Not only do we have to punch in but it is on the computer. So I get to work on time have to wait for the computer to start up then sign in not once, but twice. Then I have to sign into the site to actually punch in. So I was to work on time but now I punched in 7 minutes late, which is crap. So by 8:15am I was in complete RAWR mode and I did not even have Carnation Instant Bitch for Breakfast.

I am glad Wednesday is over.

Hump day can kiss my ass!!!

Valentines Smalentines!

It is 16 days till Anti-Valentines Day, but don’t worry I am here to give you some tips to have the best Anti-Valentines Day ever.

-Two words Get Drunk. Getting drunk would be the best way to make valentines tolerable. I didn’t say it was the smartest, but it is effective.

-Total up how much your male friends spent on their loved one today. Text, call, or e-mail them with the amount, and tell them that next year they will have to spend even more, sacrificing themselves to the black hole of consumer debt or they will be seen as not as attentive as this year. Laughing with a wicked undertone is highly recommended.

-Dress sexy in Black and then waltz by all the couples humming “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend was Hot like Me.” I don’t know who sings this song but I have heard it on the radio. Black will counter all the damn pink and red.

-Hold an Anti-Valentines day party.

-If you are in the mood for love that day in Latin America Valentine’s Day is “El día del amor y la amidstad” (the day of love and friendship), meaning they party down for all forms of love, not just romantic. So hold a Latin Love Fest for all your non-romantic loves.

-Rent a comedy or action film and watch it while eating a container of ice cream (flavor is up to you, personally I prefer chocolate marshmallow)

-Love yourself, go get flowers, your hair done, nails done, spa treatment, hot bath, black candles, sex toys…whatever you enjoy and treat yourself.

-Avoid going out to eat, there will only be couples there. Order in or just put some popcorn in the microwave to go with the movie, chances are you will not feel like cooking.

-Know that you can rest easy that you will not be the one staring at a box of chocolates that weighs a pound, however if you eat it your @ss will magically gain 3 pounds. Staring at it will still cause your @ss to gain 1 pound. If this makes you feel better you should probably avoid the ice cream in the tip above.

-Just treat it like any other day and Celebrate February 15th instead “Saint Skeletor Day” the nemesis of Saint Valentine. Saint Skeletor's Day is the non-sappy alternative to Valentine's Day, named in honor of that champion of evil, Skeletor!!! (you know the fictional character from the Masters of the Universe, the arch-enemy and main antagonist of He-man. The Evil Lord of Destruction) After all love is evil!

If cupids arrow hits you this Valentines Day go get a tetanus shot!!!

It is clear I do not have the best luck with men. In fact as of late I have had really bad luck.

First was “The Liar”
I met him and we went out twice we talked a lot but he forgot to mention he lived with a girl roommate… no big deal right? WRONG. She was not only his roommate, but also his girlfriend. She called my cell phone to inform me of this fact at 3:00am. I mean how could he forget to tell me he is fucking someone else? I mean did it slip his mind? Was she that bad he had a mental block…or was he just trying to get more ‘tang for his lil cock. I don’t know and I don’t care I am glad I did not sleep with the man whore.

Second was “The Logistically Challenged”
I met him and we went out, had great time…but he lives too far away.

The Third “Mr. Stand Up”
Yeah the one I blogged about, This guy was a smooth talker, you know the kind. Says everything you want to hear, sweeps you off your feet. But what Mr. Stand-up did not count on was that I was onto his game. No amount of talking, and promises was going to having me tearing of my jeans when we just met. He must have had me confused with a slut. Hence when I called to see him again he showed his true colors and never called back or showed up…proving the fact that all he wanted from me was a piece of ass.

Disclaimer – by no means am I am implying that if you put out when you first meet someone that you are a slut, sometimes a girl must get laid. I guess I am just not to that point yet.

So anyway I hereby officially launch my Anti-Valentines day campaign, more details to follow.

Here are some conversation hearts to set the mood!

Stood Up

You ever get stood up? Someone say they are going to do something then not do it?
I had plans tonight but now I guess I don’t so it has left me pondering what to do till I get tired enough to fall asleep. What I had planned for tonight was going to be great so I thought…

Ok so I could wash my hair, but I did that as soon as I got home. I cleaned the bedroom, I cleaned the bathroom, I cleaned the kitchen, still no call, so I cleaned the living room, and I was going to clean Sable, but as soon as I said BATH she hid. I don't feel like dragging her to the tub, I don’t feel like playing FFXI, or watching TV, I have been trying to blog but I seem to be in a humor vortex, nothing seems funny to me. Maybe I should have just went back to work, lord knows I have plenty to do there. I did get a lot done today and it felt so good. I felt accomplished and pretty happy. It is too late to go now, it is dark out and I would be scared. The majority of the building is glass so it is like being in a fish bowl, on display.

I tried to call my friend but her man is in town and no doubt she did not answer the phone because she is doing something more exciting than me that does not require batteries. I am so jealous… It is not fair! Non-Single people have all the fun. Good thing I have rum and vodka.

Well here is my play list for loners on Thursday. I am going to go to bed.
Night Night!!

Alone, Jealous and Stoned - The Secret Machines
Alone I Break – Korn
All Alone - Gorillaz
Alive Alone - The Chemical Brothers
I've Been Lonely For So Long - Frederick Knight
All Alone (No One to Be With) - Slick Rick
Solitude Standing - Suzanne Vega
Message in a Bottle – The Police
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin park
All by Myself – Eric Cartman

I would like to thank the acadamy!

...by acadamy I mean Jamie over at Red Red Whine. I have struted up the red carpet and claimed 2 awards this evening. I had to borrow the green dress from J-Lo.

My First Award is the New Years Award.

I am not so sure I am going to love 2009 I fear it is going to be the same old shit just a new year for me to fuck up...but you know it would not hurt me to think positive here and just do this...it was a challenge but here we go. I present you with my 5 reasons that i LOVE 2009.

I love 2009 because it has to be better than 2008.

I love 2009 because I am one year wiser than I was last year.

I love 2009 because I no longer have to maintain a house on my own

I love 2009 because I will plan great escapes and try to “live” more

I love 2009 because maybe I will connect with someone who cares and even comes close to moving me.

...and as if that was not enough excitement behold, i have received the "Honest Scrap" awardfirst i thought this award had to do with my scrapbooking talents but then I realized it was more about the honest part. So without futher delay here is 10 honest things about myself:

-I masturbate often

-I play the flute (however I do not masturbate with my flute - you sickos)

-My first job was at a hunting club where I pulled Trap and Skeet

-I am fanatical about flossing

-I am usually late

-I talk to my dog, however the conversation is still one-sided so don’t have me committed

-I have to have silk on my blanket on the edges so I can have it between my fingers when I sleep

-I hate driving especially at night when it is raining, or snowing, or icey.

-I play Final Fantasy XI way too much

-I have a fear of opening up

Thank you so much for the awards Jamie!!!

Now for who i am tagging. I think I will let my readers tag themselves you all deserve awards showered on you, simply for reading my blog...So if you want to play along consider yourself tagged and get to typin'

love you all

-Siren

I am convinced that Satan and his minions are living in my sinuses. I don’t need a doctor I need an exorcism. My first thought was Father Muskrat but frankly after my last confession, I am a little scared of him. Does anyone know if the ghost busters are still around because what is coming out of my nose certainly looks like some sort of ectoplasm? Well I don’t know who I am gonna call but I hope I figure it our before my head explodes.

Tiny Bubbles

It was a normal relaxing Sunday, had a few dishes to do but no big deal, so I tossed them in the dishwasher, started it and went to the couch to watch some TV. About 5 minutes later I see Sable backing out of the kitchen slowly.

Now I see Sable do some pretty wacky stuff, but she normally does not go in reverse. As soon as she rounded the corner so did a ton of bubbles. It was a growing blob of bubbles covering the kitchen floor.

Note to self: When out of dishwashing detergent do not substitute dish soap!

New and Improved Work Schedule

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to rant on this but I am going to so hear me out. I don’t smoke. My parents let me try one when I was younger and I thought it was so disgusting so I have not done it since. The second reason I do not smoke is because I am not a chimney and do not want to smell like one.

Ok… before you smokers get pissed, I could care less if you smoke or not, everyone has vices…. You smoke…I masturbate, so far is it from me to pass judgment. What I have beef about is that where I work the smokers get 2 fifteen-minute breaks and a lunch hour, because I don’t smoke I get a lunch hour. This is not fair damn it! I demand 2 fifteen-minute masturbation breaks, and I am going take them, no more oppression!

On that note I have a problem, let me introduce you to my new friend:


The Barbell~ Ta Da!!!


The Barbell is 6 3⁄4 inches long and weighs one pound. Once you slide it in the weight holds it in place. It is designed to exercise your PC muscle There are a lot of ideas about how to best do the exercises like squeezing 10 times and resting or holding it tight for a count of 5 followed by rapid contractions. Most professionals agree that having a resistance device inside you gives better results…enter the Barbell ~ ta da!!!

Basically how it works you use your PC muscle. To move the Barbell tighten the PC muscle as you slowly pull it out leaving the larger ball just inside of you. Then relax the muscle and let go of the Barbell. Its weight will allow it to drop back inside effortlessly. TA DA. There are other ways to use it (men too, if your ass is not exit only) it comes with a whole booklet of instructions and tips. Not only will it give you better orgasms, but it also has other benefits as you age…I am not going to go into that either. If you want to know more leave me a comment and I will post the link to the ordering site.

That is my new toy…err workout equipment.

(30 minutes later - sorry I was distracted by something shiny)

What was I talking about…oh yeah…My problem is I am going to need a bigger purse, to carry this thing back and forth to work in. I too NEED my 15-minute workouts.

Old Song and Dance

i'm home alone, on my sacred day of the week... stoner sunday. the day i used to stay in my pjs till way past noon. the day i used to jam out to old favorites. well, i'm blessed this morning to be doing just that. This morning i was finally able to give ani's new "red letter year" a good uninturrupted listen. (thanks to my sis, who always keeps me in the know on new muzak since she knows i'm a broke bitch. by the way - the last cd she burned for me has been in my car cd player since i got it... cuz that's a cd that can be played at a stop n go speed... i can get out for work jammin the fuck out & get back in at 5pm & pick right up where i left off.)
now for ani, that's a whole different bag of beans. to me, her music demands attention. if you LISTEN, you'll walk away thinking. it's been a long time since i actually used my brain. i get up. i walk sable. i go to work. if i'm lucky, i have dinner that is not cereal. Then go to sleep. wake...repeat. (don't get me wrong - there's a hefty amount of debauchery sprinkled in there...)
anyway... i just thought i'd remind you to put in a cd that makes you take a few steps back & think. it doesn't have to be all deep n shit... just real feelings. in a new apt where i hardly know a sole... it's nice to stumble upon a friend you've let slip thru the cracks of your car seat or cd pile.... (forgive those of us who aren't hip enough to have ipods.)

o. before i forget... the new ani album is demanding more listens before i can form an opionion... i'm pretty critical. but now that she is a mother & a wiser older woman intrigues me.
after "red letter year" played, i got into the shower & came out 3 songs into the next album in my library "UP UP UP." this my friends, is one of my all time favorite albums, not just of hers... but one of those in the top 10 that i'd take to a deserted island. back to the point, this album is fucking amazing... after all these years. i could call eric, kim, kotar, kat... they'd all agree - hands fucking down. if you haven't given it a listen... you should. and for all you "dudes" out there that think she's a man-hating lesbo that sings about vaginas all day... re-read my earlier statement about her being a married mother with a baby & open yer mind to new music. if you don't like it, so be it. but i bet you 20 bucks you'll walk away humming,

i'll leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite tunes on UP UP UP:

From the depth of the pacific
To the height of Everest
And still the world is smoother
Than a shiny ball-bearing
So I take a few steps back
And put on a wider lens
And it changes your skin,
Your sex, and what your wearing
Distance shows your silloutte
To be a lot like mine
Like a sphere is a sphere
And all of us here
have been here all the time

You brought me to church,
Cinder blocks, flourescent light
You brought me to church
At 7 o'clock on a Sunday night
And the band was rocking
And the floors were scrubbed clean
And everybody had a tambourine

So I took a deep breath
and became The white girl with the hair
And you sat right beside me
While everybody stared
And through the open window
I think the singing went outside
And floated up to tell all the stars not to hide
Cuz by the time church let out
The sky was much clearer
And the moon was so beautiful,
That the ocean held up a mirror

As we walked home we spoke slowly
We spoke slow, And we spoke lowly
Like it was taking more time
Than usual to choose
The words to go With your squeaky sandle shoes
Like time is not a thing
That's ours to lose
From the height of the pacific
To the depths of everest

Faeries

I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, and dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?

~John Lennon

I think it is high time to introduce you to the faeries in my life. I bet you are thinking I am completely nuts but that is ok.

Reverse Razzberry – she has been around since I can remember, and as of late she keeps turning my seatbelt buckle around in my car forcing me to wear it twisted. Every time I fix it, it is flipped around again. This is no easy feat to get that belt twisted back around in that small slit it feeds through, so needless to say I give up.

Glitch – This fairy roams from my computer to my cell phone, He especially pisses me off when he messes with my computer at work when I am trying to punch in.

Hobyah (rhymes with phobia)– He lurks around creating bumps and noise in the dark and is especially active after I watch a scary movie. Ok maybe this one just exists through my collection of fears.

Indi – He is the one who will not let me make up my mind. He shows up causing me great indecision when I am asked things like where I want to go eat or what movie I want to see.

Slip – She is always with me and is the one I blame for most of my idiot girl adventures. She makes breakables slippery and shoes slippery…and major slips of the tongue. Her specialty is the Freudian slip, which often reveals way too much about myself.

Tangle – This is my bad hair day faery, need I say more?

Smuckers – This is the faery who lives in my kitchen and ALWAYS assures that the toast I just put jelly on falls face down. I think he teams up with Slip in a lot of cases.

So there now you know a few of my faery friends, I am sure you have your own. Leave me a comment and tell me which ones visit you.

Tales of a True Procrastinator & The Power of a Dollar

I had a lot to do on my lunch break today. (Did I mention I am a procrastinator?) My first stop was the post office; I had to mail my friend his Christmas gift. Yes I am way late, but he should expect that by now. Then I had to go get my nails done, now I am not the type of girl who is superficial but I love having someone do my nails that are more skilled at it than I am. Last time I trimmed and painted my nails it was a disaster. Then, while at the mall I sort of got side tracked at the perfume counter. (I MUST HAVE IT….Ed Hardy by Christian Audigier – but it will have to wait till next payday, damn why do I have to be so responsible.) Then I had to stop at the grocery store to get some dog food. I filled up Sable’s dish with the last bit of it this morning.

I hate grocery shopping.

My first pet peeve is the q-tips (this is siren speak for old ladies with the white q-tip poufy hair, there is a lot in FL) they have all day to grocery shop, stick their carts in the middle of the isle, walk so slow, or want you to find something for them. My second is the teenage mom with the cart o’ toddlers with the glittery tank top that says “Your Boyfriend Thinks I’m Hot” picking through the dented cans and expired items while the kids are screaming in the cart. Lastly you have the stockers who always have mountains of boxes right in front of what you need to get.

I am in a hurry so I am pleasantly surprised to see the store is close to empty. I grab the dog food and head to the counter. I look at the check out lines and the self ones are full with old ladies… to slow. I scan the others and pick the one with only one blonde lady with a few items. Everything was going smoothly when her last item rang up for $5.99 instead of $4.99. She proceeds to argue on the price and the cashier has to call over another cashier. It was $5.99 but the lady continued to argue. The arguing went on and on I was getting pissed…I dig in my purse and said HERE TAKE IT… here is a damn dollar! JUST TAKE IT!!!

Finally she takes the dollar and gets the hell out of my way, I go to pay for my dog food, pull the cash out of my purse to pay and wouldn’t you know I am a dollar short. I get out my debit card and swipe it muttering all the way to the car. I go home let Sable out and then rush back to work…10 minutes late. I should just give up and do what normal people do on their lunch….eat!

Well while you are on your lunch go vote for that Diesel from Mattress Police he is in the running for Humor Blog of the year.

Pretty Please with sugar on top!

Mattress Fighting

I am the world’s biggest procrastinator when it comes to things I dread doing. I have wanted to get rid of this futon mattress ever since I moved. I knew it was going to be heavy and awkward to carry so I devised a plan to get it from my apt to the dumpster. The plan was to fling it over my car, drive it to the dumpster then fling it into the dumpster.

WELL…. This mattress is so big and heavy there was no flinging it anywhere.

SO….the revised plan was to push it up and onto the car and then drive it to the dumpster, however it was too flimsy to push up and onto the car.

…Twenty minutes I am getting pissed and thinking about slashing it into pieces, but I did not want to be committed (since it was already outside) so I grab hold of the cover and sure enough because I am pissed off I now have enough fury of something spawned from hell to get up and onto the car. (I know stalker neighbor is probably watching the whole time – he could have got off his stalker ass and helped me). I drive slowly down the street, since I don’t want the damn thing to fall. I get to the dumpster and the mammoth lid is closed, my arms feel like Jell-O, and I want to start cussing like a sailor. I try to lift the lid and I can’t push it up high enough or fast enough so it flips over the back. I try standing on the front bumper and see if I can get enough leverage that way…NOPE. I pull the mattress off the car and on the ground, and lay on it thinking.
Wondering if I can just leave it on the outside…???
Could it be traced back to me…???
Would I get evicted and have to move even heavier shit…???
I get up and hold the lid in one hand while trying to get the corner of the mattress between the lid and the dumpster so I can push/feed it the rest of the way in. I push and swear, and break a nail and swear some more…I finally get it all the way in and strike a victory pose.
TA DA!!!!
I WIN!!!

/flexes and runs out

oh by the way...it has come to my attention that Diesel from Mattress Police is in the running for Humor Blog of the year. Go VOTE!

New Years Resolutions...or lack of

Remember the other guys name from Wham.

Strategically park my car taking up five parking spots

Wear out my welcome

Learn to speak dog

Proof-read BEFORE posting comments

Have less idiot girl incidents

Actually use the 10 Core Rythems dvds i bought

Get a tattoo

Find a hobby that does not involve a computer

Find a hair color and stick with it

Sable and I hope you have much success with all your New Years Resolutions in 2009!


Note~
Thank You Matt for the shiney new banner for my lil blog.