I am the world’s biggest procrastinator when it comes to things I dread doing. I have wanted to get rid of this futon mattress ever since I moved. I knew it was going to be heavy and awkward to carry so I devised a plan to get it from my apt to the dumpster. The plan was to fling it over my car, drive it to the dumpster then fling it into the dumpster.
WELL…. This mattress is so big and heavy there was no flinging it anywhere.
SO….the revised plan was to push it up and onto the car and then drive it to the dumpster, however it was too flimsy to push up and onto the car.
…Twenty minutes I am getting pissed and thinking about slashing it into pieces, but I did not want to be committed (since it was already outside) so I grab hold of the cover and sure enough because I am pissed off I now have enough fury of something spawned from hell to get up and onto the car. (I know stalker neighbor is probably watching the whole time – he could have got off his stalker ass and helped me). I drive slowly down the street, since I don’t want the damn thing to fall. I get to the dumpster and the mammoth lid is closed, my arms feel like Jell-O, and I want to start cussing like a sailor. I try to lift the lid and I can’t push it up high enough or fast enough so it flips over the back. I try standing on the front bumper and see if I can get enough leverage that way…NOPE. I pull the mattress off the car and on the ground, and lay on it thinking.
Wondering if I can just leave it on the outside…???
Could it be traced back to me…???
Would I get evicted and have to move even heavier shit…???
I get up and hold the lid in one hand while trying to get the corner of the mattress between the lid and the dumpster so I can push/feed it the rest of the way in. I push and swear, and break a nail and swear some more…I finally get it all the way in and strike a victory pose.
TA DA!!!!
I WIN!!!
/flexes and runs out
WELL…. This mattress is so big and heavy there was no flinging it anywhere.
SO….the revised plan was to push it up and onto the car and then drive it to the dumpster, however it was too flimsy to push up and onto the car.
…Twenty minutes I am getting pissed and thinking about slashing it into pieces, but I did not want to be committed (since it was already outside) so I grab hold of the cover and sure enough because I am pissed off I now have enough fury of something spawned from hell to get up and onto the car. (I know stalker neighbor is probably watching the whole time – he could have got off his stalker ass and helped me). I drive slowly down the street, since I don’t want the damn thing to fall. I get to the dumpster and the mammoth lid is closed, my arms feel like Jell-O, and I want to start cussing like a sailor. I try to lift the lid and I can’t push it up high enough or fast enough so it flips over the back. I try standing on the front bumper and see if I can get enough leverage that way…NOPE. I pull the mattress off the car and on the ground, and lay on it thinking.
Wondering if I can just leave it on the outside…???
Could it be traced back to me…???
Would I get evicted and have to move even heavier shit…???
I get up and hold the lid in one hand while trying to get the corner of the mattress between the lid and the dumpster so I can push/feed it the rest of the way in. I push and swear, and break a nail and swear some more…I finally get it all the way in and strike a victory pose.
TA DA!!!!
I WIN!!!
/flexes and runs out
oh by the way...it has come to my attention that Diesel from Mattress Police is in the running for Humor Blog of the year. Go VOTE!
I got rid of mine by posting "free futon" on Craig's list. But then I didn't get a humorous post out of the deal. ;)
ReplyDeletePrefers ~ well i could have done that but i took the frame to the metal place to be recycled...go green! so i just had the mattress, but i will remember that lil tip for next time i have something heavy to move.
ReplyDeleteThis would be easy if you had a strong man like myself ..:P One thing for you to know that's not a woman's job
ReplyDeletehaha i will look for the video on that funny home videos tv show cause im sure the neighbor guy will want to win ten thousand dollars!
ReplyDeleteI solve the unwanted furniture problem by piling everything into the laundry/dogs' room. So far there is a dresser, a couch, two twin size mattresses, and a broken bicycle. We talk about calling Salvation Army or walking them over to the nearby apartment's dumpster in the cover of darkness. Yet, some of that stuff has been sitting in that room for two years. Damn, I'm lazy.
ReplyDeleteNot worth breaking a nail over! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, Christ! No wonder you procrastinated. What a big fat pain in the arse!
ReplyDeleteNothing as satisfying as a job done.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the mention, Siren. And in a mattress-related post, even. Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteDark ~ awww thanks
ReplyDeleteNooter ~ if he wins money you and gonna camp out side his window, and then steal it...i will split the winnings with you and you can gets lot snaks
Liz ~ No spare rooms in this apt.
Melissa ~ I AGREE!
Nanny ~ yes, a major pain. thank you so much for stopping by
AFM ~ yes i was pleased with myself for a lil while
Diesel ~ so long as you dont send the mattress police for mattress abuse. Thank you for stopping.
The last time I was in a rental, they had big dumpsters for the trash. People would set couches, shelves, and other waste. The funny thing is that if it wasn't in the dumpster, it didn't get taken. I hated that place
ReplyDeleteJust be thankful you didn't have a waterbed. The Wife and I did that once-- and only once. But sorry to hear about your nail.
ReplyDelete