When the body that lived at your single will, With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!) When the spirit that answered your every mood Is gone -wherever it goes - for good, You will discover how much you care, And you will give your heart to a dog to tear." (excerpt of a poem by Rudyard Kipling)

~sighs~ Will this feeling ever go away, the guilt, the emptiness. After coming home (where ever that happened to be at the time) for 8 years to a cold wet nose and soft warm silky fur anxiously awaiting my touch, I guess it is natural for me to feel helpless and lost when I open the that door and listen for the sound of his collar jingling. The sound that I loved, that told me all was well, all was safe. No jingle. No sense. Silence. Skyy is no longer there to greet me. I sit on the step and wonder if I gave as much happiness as I received.

I was with him that day…that day that ripped through my soul and shattered my heart. The needle went in and in minutes I watched my baby, my Skyy’s soul slip away…he stopped breathing right there with His head in my lap…I could have said NO, I could have stopped it…I wanted to be so selfish, I wanted to scream…I pet his head and loved him the whole time…He was sedated heavily before the injection and the vets assured me he felt nothing. I sat there forever and held his lifeless body. The vets where hurting too, as Skyy and I had become quite a fixture in there for the last 3 years. They left me alone with Him and I held his still warm furry head and looked at his fur, such a vibrant reddish brown and white, so soft…I knew Skyy was no longer here. I am still hurting so I don’t know if it was closure for me to witness it, but I knew I did not want Skyy to be alone. I allowed myself to sit there and hold him a few more minutes I tried to memorize him and how his fur felt, how blue his eyes were. I knew that he had died painlessly, and that his soul had kept on running.
I don’t know if the pain will go away anytime soon and I don’t know when the tears will stop falling, I guess it means I am alive…but I look out at the snow and know he loved this time of year…Damn I miss him.

Soar good soul on eagles wings, but please come comfort me in my dreams…