Locked Out

Well i had to stop at the gas station this morning. It took practice and dedication, but I can work the gas credit card reader faster than corporate executive hooked on cocaine…however it did not prevent me from locking myself out of my car...my keys where happily in the ignition and my windows were down a little. I proceed to stick my hand in to my elbow and can ALMOST reaaacccchhh…%^$&^$ I think… hmm maybe if I push my elbow though I could reach it, I would be stuck but the door would be unlocked, ok so that theory traded one problem for another and I knew it was not gonna work. So I went into the gas staion to see if they had a stick or something I could use and it turns out they did…and he was working behind the counter. It was the skinniest guy on the planet I felt sorry for him like I should buy him a bagel or something. Disturbing! Anyway he stuck his stick arm in and unlocked the door. THANKS MR. STICK MAN!

Other notes on the day:

• Happy Halloween


• Today was jean day at work and that made me happy


• On my way now to the humor vortex...the Secretary of State Office...they must train them to be complete bitches, but i have to renew my plates before i get another civil infraction like I did last year


• Got to go pick up some certified mail where i will have to disguise myself since I bet my picture is on the wall as a parking terrorist...that damn parking nazi guy gives me too many tickets, he must be gay...my short skirts don't help (-.-)


• My lil blog has pictures now...i am learning, someday i will be as great as TNO

Peace Out

R.I.P. Tigger

I woke up to the sound of my dog puking on my bedroom floor. I tried to jump out of bed and rush her out the door before she had a chance but I didn't make it. So I go in the kitchen to commence operation clean up when she started up again. Shit! I run back in the room just in time to see her expel the tail off of Tigger. Now of course I watch too much Animal Planet and I know for a fact that a dog, left to it's own devices, can consume all the crayons in the box, enough tennis balls for the entire Wimbleton and as many chicken bones as it would take to build a KFC. I was pretty sure an entire Tigger toy was not out of the question but I also know all that crap can kill them. In a panic I begin to look for the rest of the tigger toy…hoping I was not going to have to call the vet. The dog is looking at me as if I have gone mad, crawling on the floor under tables, couches! Then she pukes up a tigger arm. At this point I’m frantic thinking that my poor dog will have half the contents of her entire toy collection in her stomach effectively proving that I am not a fit guardian of the species. She had seemed to stop puking in the middle of “Operation Tigger MIA” so I put her outside. Hoping maybe she will poop out more parts. I go back in the bedroom continuing my search. I pull the sheets off the bed and there was the casualty of war…missing a tail and an arm…poor Tigger. May he rest in pieces.

Sex Lube and Metal Bracelets!

The Evidence
1. Metal Bracelet
2. My Wrist
3. A bottle of Enhance by Xandria

The facts:
Today I decided to wear a bracelet my mom got me for Christmas last year, a girl has to accessorize. It slid it on with ease and looked great, totally matched my outfit. I had worn it several times before with no problem. After getting home I went to take it off and well it did not want to come off, it is pewter and solid with no clasps and it suddenly would not fit over my hand…

I seriously spent the next 2 hours trying to get it off… no, I don’t know how it went on so easy because trying to get it off was hell, I tried everything short of cutting off my thumb...I might need that. So I tried soap and lotion, spinning it as if I got it to just the right angle it would fall off, nothing worked till I remembered I had something that just might help.

YES! The bottle of Enhance personal lubricant that came with... well something else I probably should not mention on here ~wink~ so I put it all over my hand.

It said and I quote "Apply a small amount whenever you desire additional lubrication. Increase or decrease amount to achieve best results"

Well...it worked great I finally got it off (no pun intended) I was so excited.

In conclusion I guess I would have to recommend this brand if you are ever in a “tight” situation. I give it two thumbs up (again, no pun intended)

Weekend Fun

So what a weekend, it was fantastic.

If you know me at all…since some life changing decisions I made for myself I had somewhat become a hermit in my own house. I fell into a “gamer” lifestyle and wow suddenly I have very little “local” social life, you know what I mean… people I can converse with w/o a computer screen. It is not that I don’t enjoy my “on-line” friends it is just this weekend was so nice to walk away from the computer.

I went bowling with some friends who all bowled WAY better than I did. However my first game I got a 69 score which I thought was a very GOOD number, come to find out in bowling land it was pretty bad. I tried to give the ball sweet loving, but it was clear it did not like me, even though I was so sexy in my bowling shoes. We bowled 3 games total I think I might have got like 2 strikes and maybe a spare. Can I blame it on the alcohol? I went in the ditch A LOT (or is it gutter?) So after bowling we made our way to the bar where I proceeded to drink more and laugh and in true idiot girl fashion I get up to go pee and start walking to the bathroom only to trip on my own boot lace and face plant next to the pool table. Good thing my boobs broke the fall, I was so embarrassed… I wanted to crawl under the pool table, but I didn’t I got up and went into the bathroom to inventory the damage…

Hmmm…
1 bruise on knee
1 scratch on wrist
1 bruised ego

….all else seems to be ok, so I go back out into the bar, and bow to all the people and inform them to stick around I might have more amazing tricks of idiocy that I can show them… and I did…I got up and sang karaoke “Madonna”

Fun Times!

Where There is Steam There is Fire???

Part 1 - Ok, so I was driving home yesterday and we all know I am the world’s greatest driver. Then all of the sudden I see five cop cars headed my way with lights on going about 90. I know they were going 90 cuz it almost blew my Queervalier off the road. ((Yes I just called my Cavalier a Queervalier - if you are offended I don’t care go read someone else’s blog)) Then I start driving again and here come about 5 more cops at the same speed… I am thinking I could stop at the 7-11 and steal a Slupree and some Twizzlers without getting caught because all the cops are going somewhere else in a hurry. Anyway I get to work today and ask if anyone knows what was going on and they didn’t, I guess no one keeps a police scanner at their desk anymore. Well to make a long story short I guess a cop went to arrest a lady on a warrant and she hit him over the head with a shovel… Yes, she is a smart one. I can hear the call now. Yes I need back-up this woman is armed and dangerous…I was hit over the head with a shovel. Ok Officer.. sending back-up.

1 woman with a shovel > 10 police cars???

Moral of the story: Do not assault police men with shovels.

Part 2 – I am sitting at work, hear sirens again...I look up and our building is surrounded with fire trucks. I was hoping someone sent me fireman strippers that would be HAWT…but no such luck. I guess the people in the building across the street saw smoke coming from the roof of our building and they called the fire department, it turns out that warm air and cold air create steam, not smoke …DUH!

I guess I will take comfort in knowing that I may not have hot firemen strippers but at least I am smarter than the people in that other building.