Stay Tuned

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.
I went shopping with my mom today...
I need time to recover...
I can't feel my feet...

and considering i was up before the sun this morning ninja shopping my brain is not functioning...

please stand by more details to follow.

I want my blankie! (yes i still have a blanket)

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't

Disclaimer: "Not all of the following are mine, but these were just too funny to not repeat here" Even this disclamer is not mine.


Whew, that's one terrific spread!


Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.


Talk about a huge breast!


If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!


Are you ready for seconds yet?


Are you going to come again next time?


It's a little dry. Do you still want to eat it?


Just wait your turn, you'll get some!


Don't play with your meat.


Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.


Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?


I didn't expect everyone to come at once!


You still have a little bit on your chin.


You'll know it's ready when it pops up.


Who's turn is it to stuff that old bird?


Would you like me to pour some gravy on that? It's my special blend...


Come on you know what to nibble some more!


I saw how to do this on Food Network


Can I just finish watching the football first?


Whew, that made me sleepy. I'm going to take a nap, then clean up the big mess


Every year it's the same thing


Is it supposed to be that color and consistency?


Just eat it, it's not going to kill you


We're never doing this at our house again


~Best Wishes to You and Your Families This Thanksgiving Holiday

You can stop calling me now!

Well the blood center has been ringing my phone non-stop; I have a rare type of blood (thanks mom & Dad) that is in high demand. They call me all the time, I do not live in fear of collections calls but I do live in fear of the blood center.

I get there they put me in the computer and from that point on I am UPC code. So I answer the 1000 questions I especially like the one where it asks if I am a male who has had sex with another male…Ummm No, last I checked I am not a male. Was this a trick question? Then it asks if I have any of the following afflictions, well considering I did not know what most of them were I just went with No. So I pass that test, and then I was sent in to go see the nurse where she asks more questions, which I also pass.

Now she wants to see my arms, I think this is a little personal since she has not even bought me dinner yet, but then she did not look like it was up for debate. I take off my sweater and exercise my right to bare arms, I guess they looked ok, then she stabbed me in the finger, she said “your iron is great so you can donate”

She sends me over to the guy that is going to take my blood and he looks a little flustered which worries me already. I lay down on the table and he says, “So your allergic to iodine” I nod (thinking well that is what my chart says, at least he can read) So he rubs something else on my arm that is COLD… then he stabs what feels like a steel toothpick, I glare at him. Then he looks at me and says “Do you have lotion on your arms? “Why yes I do, it is from Bath and Body Works, Rain Leaf, Do you like it?” He was not amused …”Well the tape won’t stick” he said. So his assistant had to get the plastic tape which I was sure was going to rip my skin off when he went to remove it.

Well much time passes and to make a long story short, I started to give blood but somewhere towards the end I guess I stopped, he muttered something about me being dehydrated and I mentioned that lotion helps that, he says so does water. Well he had to move the needle and when he did I saw blood fly out and run down my arm, I think that is when I passed out. Well they got the rest of my donation and now my arm is wrapped up so much that I don’t think I could bend it if I wanted too.

Well at least I got pretzels and grape juice.
Be nice to me today, I gave blood!

WHY?

Why when I am running late is there a slow car or semi truck pissing on the wheels of progress?

Why did this ribbon that I bought for the Toy for Tots raffle gift turn my fingertips red?

How come I have one boss who is as laid back as they come and one boss who is like a humming bird on Prozac?

How come my large Pepsi from Arby’s does not fit in my cup holder and why was it more ice than caffeine?

Why don’t I know a thing about html and when will I learn?

Why do I have three planners and can’t seem to combine them into one?

Why am I so directionally challenged and get lost when ever there is a detour?

Why is the community printer on my desk, and why does it sound similar to a NASA launch?

Why has Greenpeace not been picketing outside our commercial loan officer’s window since he is single-handedly destroying a rain forest by the massive amount of printing he does?

How come I can’t find the damn movie Mama Mia for a gift exchange party in two weeks did every store suddenly sell out, or did it suck so bad they just stopped making it?

How come this cotton candy lollipop is so good?

Ok, I am done for now…maybe you can help me out, maybe some questions are just meant to remain unanswered. Either way thanks for stopping by, Happy Thanksgiving wishes to you all.

Professional People Pleaser

"If you just set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing." Margaret Thatcher

 

Sometimes I find myself doing just that trying to please the masses. Ok, so this way of thinking is etched into my brain at work…the customer is always right, make the customer happy…and sometimes outside of work when meeting new people I will plead the fifth, or just leave to avoid a personal conflict or drama. In that moment when I choose to do that, did I lose a piece of myself or does it make me less of a person because I stand quiet in my convictions and give others the freedom to have theirs? Does it give me inner strength that I am able to hold my tongue that can cut deeper than any knife ever could?
And Yes, I care about what people think, do, and say when it involves me, and yes, it would be nice to be adored by everyone, but that is really not possible…so guess what, I am me, and I may be soft spoken at times, or choose to remove myself from an issue and not deal with it at all, but this I will say. When I choose to let you in, below the surface, below the professional people pleaser image, then you will know me and you will hear me loud and clear.
I am so thankful for my friends the ones who allow me to be “me” without passing judgment and without fear of saying something wrong. Those are the ones who truly hear me.

Got Semi?

Umm… does anyone else see this as a problem?
 

I park my car and go into the building, while I am in there a semi-truck decides to block me in. I can’t pull forward since there is a building in the way and I cannot back up. I was trapped and I knew with my luck the parking Nazi would be around to give me a ticket. I had no idea which building the movers were in. I could only wait until one of them appeared and ask them if they would back up and let me out. When the guy finally did make it back to the truck with a flattened box in one hand and a box cutter in the other I asked him (nicely) to move his big truck. He did not seem to be happy with me, but then again I was not very happy I had been blocked in either. He asked me if I could wait 20 more minutes and I responded with a RAWR. I warned him not to piss me off because I fight like a girl…I could clearly see him start to tremble as he got in the truck and backed up. I am fairly certain as I drove away that he flipped me off but I did not care I was free at last.

Cell Phone Etiquette

I go to the woman’s bathroom at work today and some lady is in there (in the other stall) peeing and talking on the cell phone, which ok, I have to admit when nature calls by all means answer (no pun intended)…but I went into the next stall (only two) and peed (lol…too much info) but when I was done I did not know if I should flush the toilet or not…so I stood there wishing i had the magic 8 ball (i always consult the magic 8 ball on all important decisions) I thought the conversation might end, but it didn’t, well I did not want to spend anymore time in there so I flushed the toilet, but I am so sure the person on the other end of the phone heard it. GAWD!!!

Lids Off!

I just wanted a snack and nothing peeves me off more than not being able to get the lid off a jar of salsa, jelly, olives, or whatever I might be in the mood for. Who puts these things on anyway? The runner-ups from the Iron Man Competition? What’s a girl to do, well this girl used to go to the neighbors but now since my neighbor is so creepy I got the Black and Decker Lids-Off. This thing is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Now whenever I am swearing at a difficult to open jar or to accident prone to use a manual can opener I just use this little baby.  Who needs a man? Ok well maybe I do but, I can tell you it is not for opening jars. I have other things in mind.

Ten Reasons Why I am Single

• I am a certificate holding member of the Idiot Girls Action Adventure Club! (if you doubt this please see past entries)



• Fruit Loops for dinner - five nights a week!



• My bed is only big enough for me and the dog!



• I play too much FFXI! (video games)



• My driving scares people!



• Sunday mornings I am scrubbing a stamp off my hand, not from a bar but from a computer show!



• I blog about my dates!



• I drive a “Queervalier”! (that is Tonya speak for Cavalier)



• That light travels faster than sound so people appear bright to me until I hear them speak!



• I am a complete asshole magnet

For Swipes Sakes!

Swipe = to slide (a magnetic card) quickly through an electronic device that reads data.

Here's what happened when I got to work this morning and attempted to enter the building.

I swipe my card…
Beep, door will not open
Beep, door will not open
I walk around to the other door and swipe...

Beep, door opens…. (ah which means I am not fired)

With all this annoyance, you would think it would be easier to have a damn regular key.

I watch my co-worker reluctantly go to the door, he digs his wallet for about 2 mins and finally finds his access card. he does the same with his card.
Beep, door will not open
Beep, door will not open
Beep, door will not open
Beep, door will not open
A this point I start wondering how many times he was going to do it. I watched him swipe that thing so many times, I thought he was trying to make fire, after I was done laughing I told him the swiper thing on the front door is working.

Now this would be great how ever that door is just to the main building but it does not get us into the office.

On the inside we find Carla who is PISSED she has been waiting since 7:00am and looking for a chair to toss through the window. Finally a hour later the electronic locks release automatically and we can get in.

It is a good thing these doors opened up before the bar down the street did.

Bug Off!

On the way to work this morning I am doing the usual:

Chap Stick in mirror - Check

Play with hair - Check

Z93 – Check (i.e. Papa Roach - Forever blasting with head bobbing to the beat flashing people the “rock on” horns when they stare at me)

That is when I felt it….something was tickling my arm. I figured since I was playing with my hair that one had come loose, I look down and to my terror it was not a hair. It was the biggest black and red bug I have ever seen. I suddenly freak the fuck out swerving wildly as I try to get it off me and out of the car. I flick it with my finger only to discover that it flies. In my girly bug phobia mind it might as well been the size of a pterodactyl ready to bite my face off, my reaction would have been similar. I pull off the side of the road and get out of the car, the bug had won round one. It was in the car out of the cold and I was standing outside freezing. Not two minutes later this man stops and asks if there is something wrong with my car. I managed to whimper a "yes, there is something wrong with it...there is a huge bug in there and I am not getting in till it flies out. "

This man proceeded to climb all over my car, found the bug, killed it and removed it. I thanked him for being so brave and then I got back in the car, called my boss to let him know I was on the way, and why i was running a little late...i think he finds me amusing.

I do give a (dog) shit!

While my dog was taking a poo this morning on our walk, a crabby lady walked by me & from the look on her face i knew in her head she was thinking, "i hope that bitch picks that shit up!" but i didn't. and i don't.

this may piss off a lot of you... but i'm not the asshole that walks thru the common areas & lets my dog shit at will. (when we do walk thru there, i DO pick up after her.) i walk the outskirts, along the ditch, along the treelines...

in this "green" enviornment movement & being a treehugger myself.... WHY would i pick up my dog's poop - put it in a plastic bag & then throw it into a container lined with an even heavier plastic bag just to appease YOU?

my dog's poop helps the plants grow. it goes back to the earth. and with the pouring rain this morning... it's pry already gone. what fucking sense does it make that i pick up some thing that's totally biodegradable, put it in a plastic bag which last forever & put it into yet another huge (thicker) plastic bag... to be hauled to a landfill to rot the earth?

i know not everyone is as dog friendly as i am... but shit (literally) - give me a break. if i'm taking the time to walk my dog off the beaten path, don't get pissed when i'm not bending over to pick up my dog's poop to make YOU happy

Just Another Day

Ok, so today got off to a rough start, I am stumbling around ½ awake because my princess dog ninja-ed me out of bed this morning with a "Dragon Kick" to the back in an effort to be let outside. I fall out of the bed and can't find my slippers so I am walking into the kitchen with her behind me I am stepping on all the white chicken looking pieces of dog food on the way to put her outside...what the heck! I take it that is her way of letting me know that she does not like the white pieces of her new dog food, she eats the rest but she leaves the white pieces on the floor. How she manages to get the white pieces into the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, and living room while I am sleeping at night is beyond me. I think I should have named her Houdini.



Later: I am driving and my boss calls "hey can you pick up some keys" so I turn around and head back in the other direction, when my boss calls again "never mind I can't get a hold of her to let her know you are coming to pick up the keys" so I turn around again and head back. My phone rings again I try to answer it and drop it under the seat, pull over and grab it just as it stops ringing, I call my boss back. "She is at a breakfast meeting so you can just meet her there" I turn back around and head back in the other direction again…My boss calls again and I suddenly develop a case of tourettes...and then answer it. "nevermind now she shut her phone off" so I turn around again. I had to stop at the gas station on the way. It was ok I was in no hurry to get to work since I am waiting for one of my bosses to call my other boss so we can have a re-meeting of the pre-meeting for the meeting tomorrow. You see the 3 of us met about this meeting once already and I created handouts, team charts and an agenda…and now there are all these changes from boss 1 so I make those and then boss 2 has no idea why the meeting format is the way it is…which might have been helpful to be brought up at the pre-meeting for the meeting, however it was not, soooo.... now we are having a re-meeting about the pre-meeting. This will all result in major changes to the handouts, teams, and agenda, which in turn means the time I spent pre-planning so I was not rushing at the last minute was a total waste. This is why I dislike meetings.



in other idiot news:

So don't get me wrong in this f-ed up housing market I am so glad my house sold I was about ready to call my realtor and have him add the music from the movie "Psycho" to my virtual tour and we could change the listing to say that the first floor is purgatory and the basement was called hell... I mean come on… anyway thank you sucker for buying that cursed house!



anyways...what was i getting at.....oh.....


So during the move I seem to have done something bad to my elbow. The Dr. says I have tendonitis and it is still bothering me. I tried to consult my "Idiot Girls Guide to Injury Management" but there is really nothing I can do about it but keep popping anti-inflammatory drugs. I tried to pick up my stapler and it must have gained weight, I almost cried and dropped it…this tendonitis affects your arm from the elbow down and could really be a problem.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

The Birthday Girl

I could not sleep last night…which sucked since I have to get up early to go to work. I am fairly certain that my co-workers think I had Carnation Instant Bitch for Breakfast. Well it is my Birthday so I can be the Birthday Bitch if I want to.
I did get one Birthday message in my in box and it said:

I hope you have a calm and blessed day. You have made great strides this past year, they happen slowly and in small steps. But when you look back you can see the progress. We each tend to think we are not getting anywhere, but we eventually look up or look back and then we see the small steps we where taking have moved us miles ahead. Many people in our office and in your day to day life count on you as a person who knows what to do in many circumstances, keep on going forward, soon you will look back and realize you are closer than you think to a changed life. I am glad you are in my circle of friends.
I feel better now.

 

Let there be Light

I seem to be having an issue with electric lately. It started a couple days ago when I came home and my apt. was 40 degrees. (This is due in large part to karma, because I was complaining at my parent’s house because it was 95 degrees in there because my poor grandma was visiting and is always cold.) My fish (beta) was so pissed, and freezing his fin off, so I got him in some warm water and called the heating and cooling guy. The guy finally gets to my house, and is talking to me but looking at my tits since they are pointing at him twice...he finally moves to the the furnace and determines that it is the “glow-plug” that went out. I nod at him and look clueless…all I wanted to know was how long is this damn glow-plug going to take to get fixed…he continues to tell me it happens from time to time…that it is like a light bulb that burns out, I nod and continue to look clueless… So he was fixing it for 30 mins. Then he begins to write a bill…lets see $51.00 for 30 mins of work (I am in the wrong business) and one glow-plug at $122.00 he informs me that he won’t charge for the service call (dude i am in an apt. i dont care what you charge i am not paying for it). I smile and think that is one expensive damn light bulb. So all in all not to bad $173.00 bill to landloard and the dog, fish and I are defrosting. Thank You… Mr. Heating Man.

However little did I know at the time, but this event cause a light bulb chain reaction in my apt. First the light in my refrigerator went out. Good thing my bottle of Smirnoff is so huge I can find it in the dark. Well anyway it is still out due to the fact I can’t find it…I am convinced that it is behind that plastic cover in the back that I can’t get off, even though I used the lucky screw driver that worked so wonderful in opening the locked window when I so skillfully locked myself out of my old house. Then the light in the lamp went out. This would not usually be a big deal, but I happened to see the movie, I cant remember what it was called…but it had Vin Diesel and the things that swooped down and torn you limb from limb if you were in the darkness. Needless to say, I MUST by all means stay out of the darkness for fear some creature or pissed off tooth faerie (Darkness Falls) will have their way with me….ok I got sidetracked…anyway... Then the light bulbs in my bedroom went out. This actually forced me to go to Target and get light bulbs. I had no idea that light bulbs have there own isle. There are so many to choose from. I grab two boxes (one for backup) and head back home. I put one in the lamp and then replace the two burnt out ones in my bedroom. I flip on the light and WOW….I need sunglasses in my bedroom seems I got 100 watt bulbs and they are a hell of a lot brighter than the 60 watt. So I shut off the light and take one of the bulbs back out. So now my world is bright again, and the dog and I will quit running into each other.

Other notes on the day...

• I made the Honor Roll

• White-out does not work well on lime green post-it notes

• I think i want Apple Jacks for dinner

Trip to Petsmart

Sable, wanna go to petsmart? *commence Riverdance* so i get dressed and brush teeth and hair with her following me from room to room, she does not want me to miss any part of her dramatic rendition. I almost trip over bucket of mop water, so i decide to dump it out. *prepare for idiot girl moment* as i am dumping it down the toilet, i forgot i had a wash rag in there as i watch it get sucked into the toilet with the rest of the water...i look at sable with eyes wide and sable decides to take an intermission. Crap! what am i gonna do, i get a hanger and go fishing for it but i can't reach it, so i flush the toilet and watch the water rising...and rising...and rising... i get the plunger and plunge...success it went all the way through...SWEET! no harm no foul. I flush the toilet again to make sure...that was close. I look at Sable and i swear this dog is shaking her head at me. I say ok i am almost ready. *commence Act III of Riverdance* i put on my shoes and we get in the car. When Sable gets so excited she does this whine/whimper thing...she does this for a good 10 minutes so i turn up the radio. i put the window down a lil (yes in Michigan and i can put the window down for now). We get to Petsmart and Sable is so very excited to do the following:
drag me across the parking lot and in the door wrapping me in the leash at least twice

sniff others dogs butts and some peoples too

try to go into the adopt a cat room

eat out of the bulk bins

visit the fish, lizards and birds

pick out her treats, toys, and bones (she hates when i put the doggie hats on her)

go to the check out and put her front paws on the counter till the cashier gives her a treat.
all in all it was a good visit and she was tuckered out so laid down in the back seat on the way home.

TXTing for Idiots

 

Ok, I have to admit I have text messaged more in the last week than I have in my whole life. I will be the first to admit I am not very textually active. (EBBAF- error between brain and fingers?) I have seen people whip out messages at light speed. I use more of the turtle speed method. (TMOT – trust me on this) I have also become aware that I should not try to send a text message while driving. Today on the way home I think I took out a street sign, a mailbox, and a biker…ok I am just kidding but I think the only time I was in my lane was between letters. (HHIS-head hanging in shame) Is there some kind of texting for idiot's book? (IRMC – I rest my case)