The Tenth Circle

"Dante stood at the gates of hell and read the warning written above them: "Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate"—"All hope abandon, ye who enter here." And then he continued through them anyway. He wrote about sinners in the nine circles of hell, and I realized there should be another one. One reserved for those of us who have lied to ourselves by pretending we aren't hurting the ones we love. The tenth circle."

Who Are You?

It is important to know what a person was.
But it's more important to know what they are now.

...I have learned people can change in a heartbeat, and not always for the better. I'm not as trusting as people think I am. Sure, I see the best in people, but that doesn't mean it's really there.

Music

I envy the music lovers hear. I see them walking hand in hand, standing close to each other in a queue at a theater or subway station, heads touching while they sit on a park bench, and I ache to hear the song that plays between them: The stirring chords of romance's first bloom, the stately airs that whisper between a couple long in love. You can see it in the way they look at each other... you can almost hear it. Almost, but not quite, because the music belongs to them and all you can have of it is a vague echo that rises up from the bittersweet murmur and shuffle of your own memories

Need more distractions

Got in the car to go to work, there was an accident, not sure how it happened it is daylight and the roads are dry... probably texting while driving or something. Had a meeting which i struggled to stay awake in since my appetite and ability to sleep have gone AWOL. Around 1:00 I had to go home to let the dog out because people keep asking me what is wrong, I thought I was putting on a good show… I guess this is why I am not an actor I have no poker face. Once I got back the afternoon flew by.

Came home and tried to walk Sable but she did not want to go too far since she has on a fur coat and it is 93 degrees out. She looked as if to say: “listen bitch, if you think we are going on one of your long walks today you are crazy.” So now she is stretched out on the living room floor having some peanut butter. Hey she deserves to be spoiled.

Since it was clear I was not getting my walk in, I did some Zumba on the PS3. I earned another trophy called “You’re a Machine” I think it was because my sister called me right then and she was so happy and chattering at me while I was doing the routine and the PS3 was impressed I could talk on the phone and do Zumba at the same time. Achievement!

 

Now I am blogging, or rambling about nothing I guess… I have nothing funny to say, it is really me just trying to keep my mind busy. Oh for fuck sakes I just realized I put my t-shirt on inside out… its ok I don’t really feel like fixing it anyway.

The Words I Wish He Never Meant

The worse thing happened early this morning. I lost the man I love. He is a great man who has helped me though some tough times and so much more than I can express in words on a screen.

I have wanted to text him no less than 1000 times already. I have looked at my phone several times to see if he changed his mind… to see if he wanted to tell me he made a mistake leaving me. As you can guess it has not happened.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I don’t know where to turn.

Part of me does not want to bother him with a text...that would be pathetic.

The other part of me is screaming and crying to stand up and fight for him, don’t let him go.

…and I don’t know which part is right.

I was supposed to go see him in a few weeks and I would do anything to just be in his arms again where I feel so safe and happy.

I should have loved him more, yet I don’t know how that is possible. I respect him for being honest with me about his feelings. So I guess I am supposed to let him go since that is what he wants.

I guess it is just hard for me because I feel like I am a good person and deserve to be happy too, but I just don’t see that happening without him.

I really don’t know what to do… I was kidding myself when I thought I could be everything he ever wanted and needs

The only thing I do know for certain is… my heart, just leave it broken; some things are just better that way. Unless he comes and picks up the pieces I will not need it.