F is for February

I for one am glad the month of February is over:

This month of Idiot Girl Adventures is brought to you by the letter "F"

February

Falling

Fire

I have fallen twice this month, the second time I truly could not get up because I hit my head and got KO'd I guess. Spent the next few hours in x-ray and landed a shot in the ass, two days off work under the watchful eye of my mom and dad.  I am happy to report all is well.

The first time there was a mountain of snow to hike over and where I thought there was more sidewalk there was a curb, I fell on my knee... not only did I fall on my knee, my boobs broke my fall.  I did mention curb, so yes I fell into the road right in front of a stopped SUV at the light.  This jackass did not even get out of his car to see if I was ok, nor did he roll down the window and ask if I was ok.  Clearly this is why I do not dated Bay City men... they are ass hats and have no manners.  I hobbled the rest of the way though the day and am happy to report all is well.

Fiery bagel of doom... there are no words, toaster, bagel, FIRE... toss water... MORE FIRE.  maybe should have unplugged the toaster first.  I am not fit to operate a toaster.  I will get my damn bagel at Tim Hortons from now on.

so yeah, glad February is over.

Reality Sucks - Part 7 (reality break)

There were always many 'guests' from various tribal factions at Cruachan for one reason or another. At the same time as Fergus was a guest there, there was another guest by the name of Bricne Nimhtheanga of whom it was said “he rejoiced in iniquity as much as in satire”. It was he who initiated the battle which became known as the Táin Bó Flidhais.

Flidhais had her precious 'Maol' penned at her fort of Dún Flidhais at Rathmorgan in Erris. She often lived at this fort in Erris while her husband stayed at the fort on Lough Conn. They had large herds of cattle at both places and this suggests they were very wealthy as ownership of cattle was the main indicator of power and wealth prevailing in the economy at the time.

Bricne Nimhtheanga decided to set off for Dún Flidhais fort in Erris. His plan was to cause trouble. Travellers associated with the Queen of Connacht were treated with great courtesy everywhere they went so when Bricne arrived at Rathmorgan he was courteously welcomed, wined and dined by Flidhais and her entourage who all turned out in their best finery for the occasion. Flidhais had the fort heavily perfumed and decorated with mistletoe and herbs and they wined and dined in great style.

Later everyone was tired and went to sleep apart from Flidhais and Bricne. He sang to Flidhais:

From Cruachan we have come
To Erris in the west of Elga.
In every Dún we passed, we heard
Of Flidhais and her cow,
Flidhais the lady of Oilill,
Dear to me the name of the spouse,
Domhnall Dualbhuidhe's warrior son,
Bounteous the lady who will not forsake me
When we came out of Eamhain
Our quarrel left no slight track
The cause of Fergus whose exploits are many
Brought us in numbers to Cruachain

Flidhais asked Bricne to describe Fergus mac Róich to her. He played up to Flidhais knowing that she had a great knowledge of and interest in Fergus from tales from a long time past when Fergus had been a king in Ulster. Bricne related to Flidhais all the charms of Fergus while also telling her that he never met a better man than Oilill, Flidhais’s husband.

The next morning Bricne left Dún Flidhais and set off on the return journey to Cruachan. When he got back, he told Queen Maedbh that Flidhais's fort in Rathmorgan was the most magnificent palace he had ever visited. Fergus heard this and he lusted for Flidhais, making Maedbh a jealous woman. Bricne encouraged disquiet amongst everybody to make as much trouble as possible.

Fergus's lust for Flidhais

Fergus decided he had to meet with Flidhais, this magnificent woman with a reputed sexual prowess to match his own, and he quickly set off to travel to the fort where he would find Flidhais. Oilill heard about Fergus lusting for his wife and he set out from his fort to meet Fergus's entourage. When the two entourages met there was a heated argument. Oilill Fionn bluntly asked Fergus "are you coming here to take my wife?" Fergus admitted that that was his intention.

Battles

They challenged each other to a combat to sort out the matter. First the two chiefs met in hand to hand combat, then their supporters joined in the battle. Blood flowed and over 1,000 men were killed. Fergus drew out his magic sword but.... it was only the wooden replica placed there by Ailill, the consort of Queen Maedbh, and his sword failed to give him the special powers Fergus expected it to. Oilill's troops emerged triumphant. Fergus was captured by the Gamhanraidh and kept at the cells in Dún Flidhais fort, his remaining troops returned to the Royal rath at Cruachan, filthy and exhausted.

Reality Sucks - Part 6 (reality break)

There are many, and often contradictory, legends about the most ancient King Midas. In one, Midas was king of Pessinus. a city of Phrygia, who as a child was adopted by the king Gordias and Cybele, the goddess whose consort he was, and who (by some accounts) was the goddess-mother of Midas himself. Some accounts place the youth of Midas in Macedonian Bermion (See Bryges) In Thracian Mygdonia, A wild rose garden at the foot of Mount Bermion was called by Herodotus "the garden of Midas son of Gordias, where roses grow of themselves, each bearing sixty blossoms and of surpassing fragrance". Since Herodotus says elsewhere that Phrygians anciently lived in Europe where they were known as Bryges, the existence of the garden implies that Herodotus believed Midas lived prior to a Phrygian migration to Anatolia.

According to some accounts, Midas had a son, Lityerses, the demonic reaper of men, but in some variations of the myth he instead had a daughter, Zoë or "life".

Arrian gives an alternative story of the descent and life of Midas. According to him, Midas was the son of Gordios, a poor peasant, and a Telmissian maiden of the prophetic race. When Midas grew up to be a handsome and valiant man, the Phrygians were harassed by civil discord, and consulting the oracle, they were told that a wagon would bring them a king, who would put an end to their discord. While they were still deliberating, Midas arrived with his father and mother, and stopped near the assembly, wagon and all. They, comparing the oracular response with this occurrence, decided that this was the person whom the god told them the wagon would bring. They therefore appointed Midas king and he, putting an end to their discord, dedicated his father’s wagon in the citadel as a thank-offering to Zeus the king. In addition to this the following saying was current concerning the wagon, that whosoever could loosen the cord of the yoke of this wagon, was destined to gain the rule of Asia. This someone was to be Alexander the Great. In other versions of the legend, it was Midas' father Gordias who arrived humbly in the cart and made the Gordian Knot.

Herodotus says that a "Midas son of Gordias" made an offering to the Oracle of Delphi of a royal throne "from which he made judgments" that "was well worth seeing", and that this Midas was the only foreigner to make an offering to Delphi before Gyges of Lydia. Since the historical Midas of the 8th century BC and Gyges are believed to have been contemporaries, it seems most likely that Herodotus believed the throne was donated by the earlier, legendary King Midas. However, some historians believe this throne was donated by the later, historical King Midas.

Reality Sucks - Part 5 (reality break)

At the Dawn of the Heroic Age, during the midst of the Bronze Age, when monsters, and myths walked among men, The War for Troy is said to have waged for Ten Years between the united kingdoms of Greece (the Achaeans), and the Trojans (of Troy). Since this event occurred prior to history as we know it, it’s practically impossible to decipher the facts from the myths, except for the whole interference of the Gods aspect. The Trojan War is considered by many scholars to be the focal point of Greek Mythology, since the conflict is attributed to a quarrel between the Olympians interfering in mortal affairs, because they were bored sitting around on clouds and gossiping about the affairs of Aries and Aphrodite.

The walled-City of Troy was a fortress, a massive palace of luxury, but after ten-long-years, and a Trojan-Horse-prank later the city was ransacked, pillaged, and burned to the ground. Therefore the exact location of Troy’s ruins are uncertain to this day, but most scholars believe it was located in what is now modern-day Turkey. Most of what we know about this ancient war comes from a kick-ass Epic-Poem called “The Illiad” by Homer… the author of ‘The Odyssey’, no not the doughnut-eating-Simpson. Both ‘The Illiad’ and ‘The Odyssey’ are centered around the Trojan War.

In ‘The Odyssey’, Odysseus (also known as Ulysses) becomes lost out at sea in an attempt to return home from the war to Greece and his family, but must contend with Sirens, Calypso, a Cyclops, and one pissed-off ocean deity (Poseidon) intent on making his journey as miserable as possible. ‘The Illiad’ on the other hand focuses on the end of the war, and the fall of Troy. In Homer’s interpretation of this full-scale siege, demi-god-for-hire: Achilles steals the show with his all-around bad-ass-ness, smiting fools left and right like a young Michael Jordan. Homer uses more graphic epithets than a Marvel comic book by Stan Lee (“…swift-footed-Achilles… our long-haired Achaeans … the man-killing Hector…”) Achilles was one of a dozen Greek heroes who boasted super-natural origins. It seems that no matter where you went in the ancient world, you had a good chance of running into a guy whose mom slept around with Zeus. In many ways, these larger-than-life Greek heroes were the proto-type to today’s modern Superheroes, except with less spandex, and more toga…

Ok, so we know there were two armies, and we know they were fighting, and we know that it was at this fabled city of Troy, and that there was a Pantheon of Gods betting on the outcome, but what was the catalyst for all this? Well… it was all over a chick, named Helen. Granted, she was said to have been so beautiful her face alone ‘launched a thousand ships’… and not in the opposite direction.

The Prince of Troy, a young man named Paris, fell madly in love with her, and decided it might be a good idea to seduce/kidnap the wife of Menelaus, the King of Sparta… that’s right, the Trojans abducted the Queen of the SPARTANS!…..

When it comes to The Spartans, any reasons a good reason for war, and I think that would rank fairly high on the list of things you don’t do, right next to poking a bear.

The legends make it pretty clear that this chick could make the Pope’s dick melt off with a passing glance. What’s more is that before she was ‘Helen of Troy’, she was the Queen of the Greek city-state Sparta.

In other-words, the Prince of Troy stole the King of Sparta’s woman, thereby robbing him of his balls and dropping a deuce on the Spartan flag all at once.

The Spartans, not being the type to tolerate… anything, were not about to take this lying down. So of course they organized the aforementioned siege on Troy and waged-war against them for the next ten years in what would come to be known as a little misunderstanding called the Trojan War.

You see, the Achaean King, Agamemnon was looking to conquer the fabled city across the sea, and just needed a scapegoat to unite the Greeks in his cause. Enter the whole Paris / Helen affair, not only giving Agamemnon the perfect excuse to start a war, but instantly gained him the loyalty of the unstoppable Spartans on his side. Next thing the Trojans knew, the united forces of Greece sailed an armada towards Troy, the likes of which the world had never before seen, and Paris was scolded by his dad for thinking with his dick.

However, despite being hopelessly outnumbered, things were going pretty well for the Trojans towards the end of the war. The Greek military assault against them had proven utterly futile, for years on end. It looks as if the Greeks were going to have no choice, but to throw in the towel any minute. This one was in the bag. To add to the glory, the Trojan Prince, Paris, had none other than the ungodly smoking hot Helen of Troy for arm candy.

The series of battles that followed pitted the Greek military commander Odysseus against the defending Trojan army led by Hector. Odysseus had great initial success. His forces devastated the Trojan resistance upon landing on the beachfront property of Troy, and continued kicking ass all the way to the gates of the city itself.

Hector of Troy decided to go for broke and issued a direct challenge to the Greek’s greatest warrior, the legendary Achilles, to duel with him mono y mono. Whereas Achilles was Greece’s MVP, Hector on the other hand gave meaning to the word hardcore, in Trojan terms, and yes, in that way too. At this point in the war, Achilles had withdrawn from combat due to some pressing family matters coupled with that fact that he was getting laid left and right back home. Achilles shot Hector the bird, and resumed plowing through gorgeous Greek women like one of them contained Willy Wonka’s golden ticket. Achilles’ beloved friend and relative, Patroklos, decided to don the great warrior’s armor and fight in his stead. Hector than promptly slaughtered him only to realize that he had been duped into killing the wrong guy. FAIL

This of course incurred the wrath of the nearly invincible Achilles. When Achilles got wind of this, he pulled out, rolled out, and went balls out against Hector, slaying him, effortlessly. He then proceeded to tie Hector’s dominated corpse to the back of his chariot and dragged it a couple of laps around the battlefield just for good measure. Achilles would continue to assist Odysseus in his campaign to capture Troy for a few more years.

By the close of the war, after murdering half of the Trojan army single-handedly without mercy, Achilles managed to piss off most of the Pantheon. Eventually Zeus decided that Achilles had a bad habit of slaughtering his enemies’ children, which was something that the gods frowned upon. It was time for Achilles to die. During the course of battle, Paris himself fired the infamous Apollo-guided heel-seeking arrow which took him out of the game. Having your Achilles tendon sliced is about a 9 on the 1 through balls-in-a-wood chipper scale. As you can imagine, he was instantly incapacitated and shortly thereafter decapitated. This was the turning point from which the Greeks could no longer overpower the Trojans. The war quickly deteriorated from a valiant crusade to a poorly coordinated game of grab-ass.

In a last ditch effort to conquer Troy, the Achaeans decided to give Plan Omega a shot. The Greeks up and left. The Trojans cheered and rejoiced as their enemy retreated to the sea. The only thing left behind was a massive wooden horse sculpture left behind as an offering. To the Trojans it was a symbol of victory in the form of an over-sized Pinata. To the Greeks, it was a sneak-attack donkey-punch with the façade of a friendly handshake. The Trojans opened their gates and hauled in the suspiciously heavy horse as they got drunk in their triumph over those stupid, smelly Greeks. That night, a squadron of sneaky Greek ninja/soldiers promptly rappelled out of the massive arts-and-crafts project, and began stabbing left and right. The Greeks re-opened the impenetrable gates of Troy yet again, and called in the cavalry to finish the job.

Man, did those Trojans get punked or what?

(Maybe they should’ve taken a better look at that gift-horse.)

Some say Helen of Troy hid out in Egypt for the remainder of her days.

According to Virgil’s spin-off, “The Aeneid”, the surviving Trojans that retreated their fallen city, fled to what is now modern-day Italy, and eventually founded the city of Rome.

As for Troy itself, not much is left, but the legend… and a pile of rocks.

Reality Sucks - Part 4 (reality break)

When he became emperor, Nero was a young man who enjoyed the theater, music and horse racing. His dominating mother, Agrippina, had already murdered Claudius to see her son on the throne. She quickly poisoned Nero’s main rival, Claudius’ son, Britannicus.

 But Nero didn’t want to be controlled by his mother. Encouraged by his former tutor, the writer and philosopher Seneca, he began to make his own decisions. Relations with his mother became frosty and in 56 AD she was forced into retirement.  

Early hope dashed

Nero started well. He ended secret trials and gave the senate more independence. He banned capital punishment, reduced taxes and allowed slaves to sue unjust owners. He provided assistance to cities that had suffered disasters, gave aid to the Jews and established open competitions in poetry, drama and athletics.

However, like Caligula before him, Nero had a dark side. His impulses began as simple extravagance. Before long, however, stories were circulating that he seduced married women and young boys, and that he had castrated and "married" a male slave. He also liked to wander the streets, murdering innocent people at random.

Getting rid of mother

Both Seneca and Agrippina tried hard to control Nero. Seneca tried to be subtle, but his mother was not. Relations between mother and son grew worse and Nero decided to kill her.

He invited her to travel by boat to meet him at the seaside resort where he was staying. When their reunion was over, Agrippina left for home. She was never meant to get there, but the murder attempt failed and Agrippina swam to safety.

Finishing the job

Annoyed that his plot had failed, Nero abandoned subtlety and sent some soldiers to complete the job. He claimed that his mother had been plotting against him, but fooled nobody. Rome was appalled. Matricide – the murder of one’s own mother – was among the worst possible crimes.

The omens

Tolerance of Nero’s depravity ebbed away and Rome faced a series of bad omens. Tacitus wrote, “Unlucky birds settled on the Capitol, houses fell in numerous earthquakes and the weak were trampled by the fleeing crowd."

Worse was yet to come. The Great Fire of Rome lasted for six days and seven nights. It destroyed or damaged 10 of Rome’s 14 districts and many homes, shops and temples.

Sing-along with Nero

Nero offered to house the homeless, but it was too late. A rumor had spread of Nero’s behavior during the fire: although he hadn’t fiddled while Rome burned, he had been singing.

With Nero’s mother dead and his tutor retired, the emperor was beyond anyone’s control. Rome was now victim to the arbitrary desires of a mad tyrant: there was only one solution.

Murder and mayhem

In 65 AD, one plotter, a freed slave named Epicharis, found a dissatisfied officer who had access to the emperor. She secretly asked him to kill Nero.

Instead, the officer betrayed Epicharis and she was captured. Rather than give up the names of her fellow plotters, she killed herself. Not knowing who was involved, Nero redoubled his guard and unleashed terror on Rome. Huge numbers of people, including Seneca, were executed or forced to kill themselves.

Public enemy

But Rome had had enough. A revolt in the northern territories quickly spread and the Senate declared Nero a public enemy. This meant that anyone could kill him without punishment.

Terrified, Nero fled to the country with his few remaining slaves and killed himself. Without any heirs, the Roman Empire now had no leader. With the ultimate prize up for grabs, rival generals began moving their troops towards Rome and civil war.

Reality Sucks - Part 3 (reality break)

Orpheus: "On his mother's side he was more than mortal. He was the son of one of the Muses and a Tracian prince. His mother gave him the gift of music and Thrace where he grew up fostered it. The Thracians were the most musical of the peoples of Greece. But Orpheus had no rival there or anywhere except the gods alone. There was no limit to his power when he played and sang. No one and nothing could resist him. 

In the deep still woods upon the Thracian mountains
Orpheus with his singing lyre led the trees,
Led the wild beasts of the wilderness.

Everything animate and inanimate followed him. He moved the rocks on the hillside and turned the courses of the rivers.... 

When he first met and how he wooed the maiden he loved, Euridice, we are not told, but it is clear that no maiden he wanted could have resisted the power of his song. They were married, but their joy was brief. Directly after the wedding, as the bride walked in a meadow with her bridesmaids, a viper stung her and she died. Orpheus' grief was overwhelming. He could not endure it. He determined to go down to the world of death and try to bring Eurydice back. He said to himself, With my song
I will charm Demeter's daughter,
I will charm the Lord of the Dead,
Moving their hearts with my melody.
I will bear her away from Hades.

He dared more than any other man ever dared for his love. He took the fearsome journey to the underworld. There he struck his lyre, and at the sound all that vast multitude were charmed to stillness....

O Gods who rule the dark and silent world,
To you all born of a woman needs must come.
All lovely things at last go down to you.
You are the debtor who is always paid.
A little while we tarry up on earth.
Then we are yours forever and forever.
But I seek one who came to you too soon.
The bud was plucked before the flower bloomed.
I tried to bear my loss. I could not bear it.
Love was too strong a god, O King, you know
If that old tale men tell is true, how once
The flowers saw the rape of Proserpine,
Then weave again for sweet Eurydice
Life's pattern that was taken from the loom
Too quick. See, I ask a little thing,
Only that you will lend, not give, her to me.
She shall be yours when her years' span is full.

No one under the spell of his voice could refuse him anything. He

Drew iron tears down Pluto's cheek,
and made Hell grant what Love did seek.

They summoned Eurydice and gave her to him, but upon one condition: that he would not look back at her as she followed him, until they had reached the upper world. So the two passed through the great doors of Hades to the path which would take them out of the darkness, climbing up and up. He knew that she must be just behind him, but he longed unutterably to give one glance to make sure. But now they were almost there, the blackness was turning gray; now he had stepped out joyfully into the daylight. Then he turned to her. It was too soon; she was still in the cavern. He saw her in the dim light, and he held out his arms to clasp her; but on the instant she was gone. She had slipped back into the darkness. All he heard was one faint word, "Farewell."

Desperately he tried to rush after her and follow her down, but he was not allowed. The gods would not consent to his entering the world of the dead a second time, while he was still alive. He was forced to return to the earth alone, in utter desolation. Then he forsook the company of men. He wandered through the wild solitudes of Thrace, comfortless except for his lyre, playing, always playing, and the rocks and the rivers and the trees heard him gladly, his only companions. But at last a band of Maenads [women] came upon him....They slew the gentle musician, tearing him limb from limb, borne along past the river's mouth on to the Lesbian shore; nor had it suffered any change from the sea when the Muses found it and buried it in the sanctuary of the island. His limbs they gathered and placed in a tomb at the foot of Mount Olympus, and there to this day the nightingales sing more sweetly than anywhere else. "

Reality Sucks - Part 2 (reality break)

Icarus, in Greek Mythology, with father Daedalus, attempted to escape their prison, the Labyrinth, in which they were imprisoned at the hands of King Minos, the king for whom he had built the Labyrinth
(Labyrinth is derived from the Minoans word for a ceremonial axe).The Labyrinth's original purpose was intended to hold the horrible creature, the Minotaur, a beast that was a product of one of the King's mistress's affairs with a bull.

Daedalus fashioned a pair of wings for himself and his son, made of feathers and wax. Before they took off from the prison, Daedalus warned his son not to fly too close to the sun, as the wax would melt, or too close to the sea, as the wax would dampen.

Overcome by the sublime feeling that flying gave him, Icarus soared through the sky joyfully, but in the process he came too close to the sun, which melted his wings. Icarus kept flapping his wings but soon realized that he had no feathers left and that he was only flapping his bare arms.
So, Icarus fell into the sea in the area which bears his name, the Icarian Sea near Icaria, an island southwest of Samos.

His flight was routinely alluded to by Greek poets in passing, but was told in a nutshell in Pseudo-Apollodorus.
Latin poets read the myth more philosophically, often linking Icarus analogically to artists.

it's a great story.

Reality Sucks - Part 1 (reality break)

Hades is the Greek god of the underworld.

One day, when he saw Persephone, daughter of Zeus and Demeter, picking flowers in Nysa, he fell in love instantly with her. Because of his obsessive lust for her, he kidnapped her and made her his queen.

When Demeter, the goddess of fertility, found out what happened to her daughter, she grieved and felt lonely. Zeus, god of the heavens, found out what Hades, his brother, has just done. He asked him, through Hermes to bring his daughter back to them. But before he agreed, he secretly gave her pomegranate seeds to eat to make her bound of the underworld.

Because of this, Zeus proposed a compromise: Persephone would spend one-third of the year with Hades and the rest of the year with her mother. It is said that during this time that winter falls on earth, showing that Demeter had left her responsibilities because of grief and sharing with earth her sadness and mourning...