A fantasy fulfilled?

Ok, it is hard enough starting a new job to try to remember everything you are supposed to do. Yesterday I was having a different sort of problem. You see for Christmas I got 3 sets of matching bras and underwear. I have this thing were my bra and panties have to match.

…I know this is far fetched me being an idiot girl in action and all, but lets just say I got in an accident and am rushed to the hospital and my bra does not match my panties.
Now that would be tragic…

Anyway I got ready for work, dressed, then hopped in the car. Due to my immense amount of parking tickets I have started parking in the “free lot” two blocks away. Well as I am walking the panties are sliding down… what the hell. So by the time I get to the building I am walking like a penguin. I make it to the bathroom and actually contemplate giving myself a wedgie so they stay up, but I write it off as a fluke, fix them and walk towards my desk. Well to make a long story short every time I walked anywhere they would slide down. Half the day was a battle back and forth to the bathroom to fix them. I headed back to the bathroom for the last time and thought about taping them to my side, but I decide to just take them off.

You know I always had fantasies about taking off my panties at work, but this was totally not the way I envisioned it.

All I know is this is going to require a trip to Victoria’s Secret to fix and I will not complain about that.

Tales from the Meat Market

I went to the bar this weekend with the girls and do you remember the song from Sesame Street a think Cookie Monster sang it. “Which one of these things is not like the other thing? Which one of these things does not belong?” Well that was me at this meat market. I mean bar that we went to. I noticed a few things:

I did not have enough make-up on. I am not the kind of girl who has to paint on my face before I go out. I do not wear a lot of make-up in fact I rarely wear any at all. My mom got me a Tammy Faye Baker starter kit for Christmas with every color under the sun, but I just don’t see the need for it.

I like my face clean and clear. And I don’t want to look like a totally different person when I take off all the make-up…guess what boys, what you see it what you get.

Not far off that topic I saw I was not fake enough…with fake tan, fake nails, fake laugh, and fake boobs. These girls looked just crazy…I will say again what you see is what you get….my boobs don’t come off with my bra.

I was not showing enough skin for that bar. I like to leave a lil something to the imagination. I guess some would call that a tease, but damn I would rather be a tease than a slut. My thong does not hang out the back of my jeans; my nipples are not about to pop out of the v-neck top. Why just give it away? (I don’t care what you do… if you’re reading this and are offended to each their own, this is about me not you!) That kind of attention is not something I want.

Clearly I must have had a “USDA Choice” stamp on my ass that was only visible under black lights, I don’t know I just never noticed it before…however it must have been displayed and I did not have enough liquor in me not to care…the drunk guys trying to talk to me was causing my brain to atrophy. My IQ as dropping by the second, well two of my friends were out dancing on the floor with some prizes I remained as cold as the ice outside.

The meat market bar is just not the place for this Ice Queen.

I have a confession

This weekend was so lame, I don’t know maybe it was do to my attitude on the holiday. Friday at work I handed on my Anti-Valentines with Pixi Stixs attached to them. It made me feel better at the time but then I sat at my desk and watch flower after flower after flower delivery (you get my point it was an obscene amount. This combined with candy and pink/red was enough to drive any single person crazy. Love was in the air all weekend.

When I got home from work there was a UPS post-it on the door stating that I had missed their delivery while I was at work and that they would try to redeliver on Monday (well guess what UPS I will be at work on Monday too) So I went out to their website and changed the delivery address so they would deliver it to work. Monday came and I was thinking about the new job and getting settled so I had completely forgot about the delivery till a co-worker was headed right to my desk with a box with 1-800-Flowers printed on it. I looked behind me but there was no one, she handed it to me… ME… yes it was my name. I opened it thinking the flowers would be dead since I was not there Friday to put them in water, but they were amazing, white lilies and red roses and came with a heart-shaped key necklace.

By this time I was not the only one shocked a crowd had gathered around my desk and everyone wanted to know who they were from. To be completely honest I did not have a clue. I opened the card and it said “Be My Valentine” that was all.

"Mom did you and dad send me flowers?" No
"Sis did you send me flowers?" No

Ok so I still don’t know who they are from but I hope they know I smiled and I enjoy them so much. Made my year!

I guess Miss Anti-Valentine had a Valentine after all. (kinda in a strange sort of mysterious way)

Fetch This

This is Sable and I have to tell you this beetoch is crazy. I can see why she is a member of the I.G.A.A club. She gets up in the morning and puts me right outside. “Damn girl it is cold out there” I wonder how she would like it if I hooked her to a chain and put her outside right after she woke up.

Then she talks to me in this voice a voice that use would use for a baby… I am 32 years old the same age as her for petes sake…. (Who is pete and why do we do things for his sake)

When she gets home from work she takes me to the park and attaches herself to me with a leash so she don’t get lost…I could see the need for this if I could not see the park from the house, but then again she gets lost in a paper bag. Speaking of bag…I always look for the doggie bag when she comes home, she is usually good about bringing me a treat and if it looks like she is not going to give me any I just look at her and say "You going to eat ALL of that?" That usually prompts her to give me at least half.

There are the times she gets lucky and things work in her favor…like when she was actually able to get us back in the house with a screwdriver when she locked us out, however I did almost pee on myself when I saw her so gracefully dive through the open window. She has all the grace and skill of a squirrel on crack. MMMmm I love chasing squirrels…anyway…

Then there was the light bulb incident….when she kept flipping the switch in the bedroom and no light came on (btw she did it at least 3 times, I think I am smarter than her because I figured it out the first time she flipped the switch) she looked at me like I was going to have the answer. I told her “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of them, and so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?” What say we drive down to Petsmart? I bet they have light bulbs there.”

Oh and the prior blog entry about “poor tigger” that is a load of crap. It was not a mess it was ambience.

Well I think I hear thunder and that is a sign that the world is coming to an end and I must go warn her and hide under the table…you should stop reading this and take cover ASAP…gosh, I have to tell people everything. Besides it is TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*

Killing me softly with their songs!!!

The receptionist at one of my offices is a pop music junkie. I feel a little weird about calling her just “the receptionist” because she does so many other things too. Long gone are the days were you just had one clearly defined job, now you wear many hats and at the same time. I went from having a single job title to having three. I guess this is when I felt the need for a job change.

…anyway back to the pop princess, which I find odd because she is a grandma and a few years older than me but she still listens to pop music, goes to the bar, and loves to get her groove on. Most people I know older than me are into a different genre and don’t listen to rap or pop at all. (Note: I said most not all; I am not here to stereotype people 40+)

She comes in around 8:00am and at 9:00 she is jammin’ I don’t mind this at all, as I like most music and my rock music or indie music is not quite office friendly lyrically speaking. At least at this local pop station she listens to they beep out the swear words. My discontent is with the retarded morning show…do these people not know how to space out songs or do they just cycle between 4 different songs all morning long.

Taylor Swift – Love Song - They play this song so much that I despise this girl for recording it, her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I seriously have to refrain from pitching the radio through the plate glass window and pulling my own hair out…I now understand why some people start cutting, to get rid of the pain.

Akon – I don’t know what this song is called but all it says over and over again is “I want to make love right now now now” – repeat in the area of 5000 times. I am certain this is on a karaoke for dummies cd somewhere. I mean you can’t possibly mess up the lyrics. I used to like Akon but now he drives me nuts.

Spears – Yes he is a Womanizer, get over it. I now get home and this song is forever stuck in my head. I have started signing it to my dog Sable…. Sableizer…Sableizer…your just a Sableizer!

Who is the guy that signs “Love Lock Down” “Your Loves Locked Down” la la la “Love Lock Down” omg… make it stop.

Now, it is not the artists fault that I now detest them, and isn’t the radio supposed to sate my inner music slut??? Well thank you Local Morning Show, you have destroyed any glimmer of hope I had for enjoying music in the morning instead of silence. For Fucks Sakes!!! get some new DJs that can handle more than 4 songs at a time…my ears are bleeding. I think I will go back to silence or just shut my office door and spin my own tunes.

Say hello to my lil friend

Owning a garden gnome is a life long commitment so I am sure that is why my sister got me the trial size version. At first I was not quite sure a gnome was for me I was worried my friends might ostracize me. Saturday I decided to take him out of the box and make a home for him in my plant.

The Gnome:

Since he has been around I have noticed that he is a better conversationalist than the last guy I dated and I think his brain is bigger too. I also think he is nocturnal he does not seem to do much during the day. But last night I woke up to a thud and I am not sure who the guilty party is but one of my candle holders was upside down.

Photo Evidence:
When I flipped on the light both the gnome and Sable looked equally guilty…the gnome sitting in the plant and Sable on her bed.

So anyway am I supposed to name this gnome?

Do gnomes have names?

I don’t know I am a first time gnome owner, I thought this ill book that came with him was a manual but it is not it just talks about gnome facts, and urban legends, and gnome-napping… good thing he seems pretty low-maintenance, and I hope he brings a lil luck to my plant.

R is for RAWR!!!

I got the letter R from “GottaLoveMe” stop by and check out her blog, I am sure she will have some exciting posts when she gets back from her family vacation at Disney.

Well without futher delay here are my R words.

Racy – Because I can be a bit racy at times underneath my innocent exterior

Resilient – No matter what happens or how long I am down I seem to find a way to bounce back

Revel – I like to raise hell

Ridiculous – I get into the most ridiculous situations

Rogue – I like to travel against the current

Ramble – I digress a lot (have you read my blog)

Rain – I want to go dance in the rain (naked)

Rare – I am one of a kind

Random – I am totally random at times

Rawr – Grrr baby Grrrrr!

If you want a letter let me know. I will send one your way.

I like Lemonade!

Just wanted to thank

Just Jen

And

Wondy

For this wonderful award.

I have been feeling a bit odd lately and I was kinda disappointed my ranking had dropped over at humor blogs, but I was looking back and realized I have really gained a lot of readers. I love all the comments you leave and to me your witty and wise comments are way better than any rating on a blog website.

Thank you so much to all my readers for taking the time to read and comment, I love them all.

Saying vs. Thinking

I am a professional people pleaser at work, well to be totally honest…in life. I just got a call today that I was accepted for a new job that I applied for [YAY –good news] and the HR person said she is so happy for me and she knows I will be a fantastic addition to this new department. She also warned me that I was too nice and I will need to eventually hand off my current job, she fears they will still call and ask me for things and that I am too nice and will not say “no”(she knows me well and she is right). Some days my image would be shattered if they knew what I was really thinking, but would never say.

“Thank you for calling, can I help you?”
Really means: What the heck do you want?

“No I’m not busy”
Really means: Yes I am busy what do you think I am doing, reading blogs or something?

“Wow nice tie”
Really means: I have a review next month, or I need a favor.

“That a great idea”
Really means: That is a great idea…unless it involves me doing more work to implement the idea, if that is the case it means it is a bad idea

“I can do that for you”
Really means: why can’t you manage your time better so I don’t have to do everything for you?”

“Sure I can show you how to do that again”
Really means: how many times do I have to show you how to do this? Do you really have the memory of a goldfish and the little plastic castle is a surprise every time?

“Just a sec, I will put the toner in your printer for you”
Really means: Is it really that hard for you to grasp the concept of changing a printer cartridge? Or is it you just don’t want to get your pretty little man hands dirty?

“Sure I will deliver this package on my way home”
Really means: I am not wearing any brown, why are you confusing me with UPS?

I guess I sorta of feel guilty for thinking such things, and I should probably change my wicked ways. I will put that on my “Things To Do” list for tomorrow.

“I will put that on my Things To Do list for tomorrow”
Really means: Ha! Tomorrow never comes.

What was that?

I am sitting at work today and everyone is at lunch. That is when I heard it.

“Bang…bang…Bang”

I look to my left and I don’t see anything. I get back to what I was working on and then I hear it again.

“Bang…bang…bang…Bang”

I get up and go over to the other side of the office begin to investigate. That is when I heard it again. I saw it was the metal floor heater thing and actually saw it move. I totally freaked out thinking there was a giant rat, squirrel, who knows what trapped in there and wanting out. I kicked it and it “banged” again. I ran back to the other side of the office and called the facilities guy.

“Hi this is “Siren” help me there is some beast trapped in the floor heater and it keeps banging trying to get out. Hurry before it gets out and attacks me.”

Ten minutes later I am on top of my desk watching, two guys from facilities show up. They waited and watched and then it happened again.

“Bang Bang”

I point at the heater and they start laughing at me, I glared at them as if to say…this is not a time for jokes!!! They assure me it is safe so I get off the desk and they proceed to explain that the pipes in there expand and the pressure is what is making the banging noise, when it happens again all I have to do is turn this bleeder valve thingy and it will stop. So they turn it for me this time, since I am still a little leery about sticking my hand anywhere near that thing. They left thanking me for the funniest thing that has happened to them in a while. Later that day, I had 3 other people ask me about the floor heater in the first floor office, I guess news travels fast.

How was I supposed to know…ugh!